-There are things I’d love to change about myself. One of them being a trait that helps prevent this change I actually do want. I have a list of things I’d love to do or not do or do differently, all pertaining to myself. I’m at what I’m fairly sure now is the end of my cycle and good old AF will be coming round soon. This leave me to wonder if I can finally kick my ass into starting these changes and sticking to them? If focusing on these changes would actually help me in our quest to children? I keep saying the time is now then not doing it. (hello procrastination?) I think the time really is now.
-For one I am a care taker through and through..of everyone but myself, that is. I’m not SO bad that I don’t do things to make myself happy, but I don’t truly take care of me, nor do I do the proper things to make myself happy. I tend to reward myself for doing well with things like food that not only are not good for me, but contribute to the things about myself that have me not totally happy with myself.
-My weight is one of my biggest hot button issues I have about myself. I hate the size I am at and generally i feel like an elephant. An old coworker recently re-found me on face book. I loved this girl. She was an amazing person with great taste in music and was very much like myself in many ways. Unfortunately in the past couple year when our relationship became solely Facebook friends I began to reevaluate. Anyway, this woman is a huge advocate of love of self and she truly loves her curves and all that comes along with them. When I was losing so much weight and proud I myself I posted my successes on Facebook. I was getting much happier with myself because I was getting more comfortable in my own skin and because I was finally starting to change some of the things I didn’t like. One day she wrote on one I my posts that she was worried I was becoming obsessed with my weight and that I needed to love myself for who I was and stop focusing on the weight because it shouldn’t be about that. I should love my curves. I replied very nicely but eventually I found myself pausing before posting a success, wondering if anyone else thought those things. Was she going to say something again? It brought me way down.
-Then the wedding and holidays and clomiphene happened and I gained back half the weight I’d lost. I’m not blaming her at all. The fault is my own. However it is my fault because I let not only obstacles but those words sink in and become the voice I heard instead of the happiness that I’d been achieving.
-She is correct to a certain extent…I should be happy with me. What that DOESN’T mean is that I should quit on my goals just because someone else thinks I should be comfortable staying the same. I would rather not be stagnant. I would rather grow and change as I go. I would rather not be uncomfortable with my health and fitness, nor do I want to continue down the road of not taking care of myself in various ways and thus continuously wanting to change.
MM
Ps-new blog will begin about these changes and to dos soon. The 101 in 1001 challenge. Anyone wish to join me?
Time to Change
October 25, 2011 by MKW
What is the 101 in 1001. I don’t really agree with your friend. I think we can be happy with our lives and find the good in our current circumstances but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be working on making improvements. For instance I am truly happy with my life in general, however that doesn’t mean all aspects of my life bring that happiness. Fertility issues isn’t something I should just learn to love. There are times when we as a people are far to obsessed with appearance but I would say you weight goals are more driven by your health aspirations. No matter what our weight if we aren’t working constantly on healthy habits we will find stumbling blocks like confidence, depression, anxiety, stress.. etc.
I applaud you for your goals and know that they aren’t easy. I myself fall of the “healthy wagon” all the time. It’s never to late to try and get back up though.
I’ll do a post on the 101 in 1001. I’ve had a few questions about it. And thanks. It’s nice to know I’m not nuts, ya know? Ha
yes, what is the 101 in 1001? or is this secretly binary and i am supposed to figure it out? lol.
I’ll do a post about it. 🙂