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Halfway

**written monday**
-It’s a Monday. If you ask me, you can tell its Monday by the headache that’s obviously present by the creases in my forehead and the look of “you’re-crazy-what-do-you-mean-what-day-is-it?!?” The kids are tired. I’m tired. We drove to the beach to chase some rainbows made by residual water droplets of the surf hitting the rocks. When we got there (a 30 mile drive…) the fog was socked in and not due to burn off until between noon and two. That was an hour and a half away and just a short time before we planned on leaving. So we drove the 30 miles back and went to a kids theme park instead.
-It’s Monday. If you ask me I’d tell you I’m 9 dpo/dpiui, but I mean 8. Nothing like rushing the days to get through a tww, huh? The trigger is finally testing out of my system and I’m trying to keep anxiety at bay. This is our last iui cycle. No matter what this is it for this type of trying. I’ve done fairly well at keeping anxiety at bay but I’d be lying completely if I said I wasn’t anxious and nervous about the results. Though this cycle we both really feel like we gave it the best shot we could have. So hopefully out best shot was the one we needed. Until Sunday I’m pupo. Until Sunday I’m hoping. Until Sunday I’m in limbo.
Mm

Whirlwind Cycle

-Twoish weeks ago I went to update my blog. I decided to wait for my cd3scan that was going to happen on cd2. Then I decided to wait until my cd7 e2 check do I could update about how I was responding. Then shit got REALLY crazy and now I’m coming to you from the tww. So let me update you on the whole cycle from cd1 till now…….
-Af started on July 5 (bitch..)((side note: keep in mind my actual dr is on sabbatical for a month)) and lasted three days. I ended up having my cd3 scan done on cd2 in the afternoon because cd3 was a Saturday and my pharmacy is not open weekends. My scan showed everything normal except one follicle on my right that may have been a cyst. I got the green light to start meds. I rushed over to the pharmacy handed some new guy more than $600. (a huge discount, yes I just thought about needing to update my cost of infertility page…….)
-Saturday the 7 I began 125 iu follistim in the mornings. Up until this cycle I’ve taken every fertility drug at night except one round of clomid. Let me tell ya- injectables are same side effects no matter when you take them, oral meds taken before sleeping you sleep through the brunt of it. Anyway, I think this helpe with my follicular growth. I went in Wednesday for an estradiol check and it was at 186. Indicating I was getting close to peak point in my cycle. This cd in my last injectables cycle my e2 was 72 so I assume I’d have more eggs.
-The dr wanted to see me Thursday morning to ensure I would not ovulate before our iui. I went in and the scan showed two small follies on the right that would drop out, one 17.5 and one 14.3 on the left. Out of my four monitored cycles, all four I’ve ovulated from my left. Huh. She said to inject for Thursday, trigger Friday and iui Sunday.
-Knowing what I know about my body and my previous cycles I emailed MY dr. She gave her personal email to two of her patients because we are weird. I asked her if I should give myself the extra dose I had of the fol since I’d injected in the mornings and she said go ahead and give an extra injection Friday morning in hopes of bringing that smaller follie on the left up. Then we talked about my trigger. She said inject 17-20 hours before iui since I’ve ovulated 17&18 hours before iui both cycles. So I injected at 5 Saturday evening.
-There was a LOT of panic before trigger on Saturday because my temp rose a bit and was freaked id ovulated already. There wasn’t much they were able/willing to do so told us it was up to us for iui or not. We decided if my temp went down and it was a fluke we would go ahead with iui. My temp went back down and we did our last iui. Before doing the iui the dr did an under the table scan and saw two amazing follicles on my left close to releasing. She was do mad i hadn’t followed her instructions. I don’t really care. I believe I ovulated approximately 3 hours post iui. We also bathe day before, night of and today. What can I say? We like our lovin time.
-That’s where we are at. I start Crinone 2x daily tonight, If I can get a hold of anyone to get the script.. And it’s expensive as hell so I’m trying to get it through the specialty pharmacy. Endometrin is so much cheaper! ūüė¶

SFS Thursday

This will be published a day late. I apologize. Everything is a day behind for me this week…blame the seagull crap that I spent the majority of Wednesday not being able to get out of my hair. (it really threw off my good juju this week) ANYWAY…
-Welcome to shit ferrules say Thursdays. A blog post that doesn’t happen every Thursday but is something of a random pop of fun for all us infertiles who are sick of the myrtles out there saying stupid shit about our infertility. This week let’s talk about one that hits on so many different levels I stupidity…
Situation one: years ago after a miscarriage coming from a person who’s no longer a friend. I was on the phone with L telling her I had gone to planned parenthood and what was going on. I was now in process of realizing I’d lost the baby. Instead of being truly supportive she went silent for an infinitesimal amount of time and then perked up and said “hey! Well if you can’t have babies, I’ll have them FOR you!”
-First of all, nice timing…Secondly, women lose babies, it sucks but it happens. It doesn’t mean she automatically can’t carry any to term…

situation two: my sister after a few drinks.
-She leaned in and with a gorgeous aroma of rum and vodka and said “you know…you and CC should have kids. I can have them for you. I have trouble not getting pregnant! Don’t worry I won’t even sleep with him we can do it in the dr office and everything! Hahaha”

20120706-093715.jpg not happening
-there are so many things to respond to in this instance. I was so dumbfounded at the time that I just threw a pillow at her face and told her to go the fuck to sleep. Forget the fact that you joked about sleeping with my husband (at the time fianc√© but whatever), you don’t know that we can’t have kids! Judging solely on the fact that I didn’t get pregnant before getting married (which I did but she obviously didn’t need to know!), you’ve decided I am incapable of reproducing and then without being even hinted at you tell me youll have my kids for me in a drunken stupor? You are a PRIZE winning surrogate…
-This stupid comment that is generally not prompted and hardly ever truly considered by the one offering it comes to infertiles and gays alike. It seems this is one none of us can escape, especially after someone actually knows you’re an infertile. (or gay..I’ve known quite a few gays who’ve received this comment as soon as they mention kids or are in a committed relationship or finally tied the knot. Generally from a woman who hasn’t fully thought through what exactly it is she’s offering.) The truly unfortunate thing is that there is NO good response. Though it doesn’t hurt to try.. Let’s see.
-oh I didn’t know a good alternative to birth control was being a surrogate! (specifically for my sister.)
-Thanks but I think I’ll have my own.
-do you realize you’ve committed yourself to a minimum of eleven months, medications, procedures, labor, morning sickness, etc. all because you assumed offering your uterus was the nice thing to do?
-A swift kick to the shin?
-I find it ridiculous that so many would offer up something so huge without very seriously considering what they are getting into, whether the other person wants it, needs it or wants to hear it. It generally comes at a horrible time and in such lighthearted fashion that you can easily assume they don’t truly mean it or really care in the first place. There are times when this is a different offer, but most of the time I think a drink in the face would be a fair response.
MM

-Happy fourth to my stateside friends! Happy Wednesday to my non stateside friends! Here’s the run down.
This is going to be a quick blog.
I got up, I peed in a cup and checked my cervix. No blood. AT 14dpo!!! Dipped a test. Chased the dog for 6 minutes to get him into the dog run. I looked at the test. Negative. Stark white. Climbed sadly back into bed waiting for af. Got back up, went to a beach town for the day with hubby friend and friends girlfriend. Ate Mexican food and went wine tasting. No tasting for me. Got shit on by a seagull, washed my hair in a public sink. Ate dinner, saw the spider man movie drove home. Still no af. Tested, negative.
Edit- lets add Thursday.
Woke up, temped. Thermometer battery died before I could read it but looked low. Checked cervix, pinkish on checking. Damnit. Put in lucy and crawled back in bed for a bit. Got up and went to the most pointless day of work ever and af picked up. Got my cd3 scan booked. Wondered a lot why it’s never our turn.
This is what I did at work for the most part today…

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Practicing cake making skills.
Mm

Night Before the Test

~It’s the night before I test to see whether IUIr2 worked or not. I did REALLY well with positive thinking this 2ww. (AKA assuming it worked and I am indeed pregnant, aka being a crazy person…) The last day and a half or so doubt has slid in though and tonight doubt is somewhat taking over. I am trying not to move on to mental prep for IUIr3. No talking to ‘baby’ tonight. In fact I have talked more to the dog telling him to go tell ‘dad’ to shut off Zelda cause that fucking music is getting on my nerves. No dice. Damn dog wont lift his head except to drool on me at the moment. How dare I disturb his nap?!? I¬†obviously¬†have gone off the deep end. It’s fine to judge.

~I am trying to hope for tomorrow. But I have always been disappointed…So why would tomorrow be any different? Especially when it feels like AF is coming. Fuck. I don’t even want to blog about this any more. I am going to go stitch some more on a stocking that is taking me forever. Or sleep on the couch since the husband decided to paint in the closet today. Starting at 3. And all the clothes are on our bed. yeah. Doubt is making me crabby.

MM

That’s when she got..

SICK!
-Working with kids means a lot of things. And a lot of time it means sick. Colds, flus, spewing…you name it they get it. Unfortunately that means I tend to as well. And I got this one. It’s just a cold but it’s a massive, nasty cold.
I hate being sick. Back to bed for me. :-/
4 more days to testing

Cottage Cheese

~If you haven’t read the last post, I would suggest reading that first. Unless you don’t actually like my blog but feel like support is a wonderful thing. In which case, chug on good friend and skip whatever posts you’ve not read! This post is going to be about my current progesterone support. Crinone 8% gel. (I felt some of you shudder from across the miles between us. I know Australia did!)
~So the Crinone is different than the Endometrin in one very basic way and a couple smaller ones. The most basic way it differs is that the Endo is a suppository while the Crinone is a gel. They both have applicators. They’re both gross but in slightly different ways. Here’s what I’ve learned being on vaginal gel progesterone (vgp):
1-vgp requires a panty liner but more as a precaution than a necessity. You won’t find a glob of goo in your undies at some point in your day but you may have a very slight “slow leak”. Protect your panties! Unless you want an excuse to buy new ones, of course (dang stuff washes out anyway.. So it’s really a Jedi mind trick you’re pulling to get new underwear. I don’t judge..I’m planning a VS trip myself, don’t tell CC)
2-vgp comes with just as many of the same side effects. I mean, you didn’t really want to be able to symptom spot, did you?? Like one of those fertiles who just knows because she felt pregnant? Psh how fun would that be? Normalcy..it’s for the birds, I tell ya!
3-vgp can be an even bigger mood killer. Here’s where the gross factor comes in..know how I said the goo isnt something you need to worry about? Well that’s because this stuff stays. That’s right, it just sticks right in your vagina until something else goes in there that the gel thinks it would be fun to stick to. (cause I mean..who wants to be stuck in a vagina all day?) so you thought a little white goop on hubs hand was gross? Well now you get dry cottage cheese. Nice, huh? Doesn’t that just scream “hey baby let’s go”?

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Yep, I went there for ya. I didn’t wanna see that either, but it’s so you know what’s normal…and seriously.. That is dry cottage cheese. I’m not that fucking vile. (that’s for you, person who emailed me asking me to stop swearing in my own blog.) And at some point it accumulates so you are supposed to scoop it out. Lovely, no? I had my first scooping experience this morning. Let me be honest..I gagged a bit. It grossed me out. Now for those of you thinking its not all that bad, know that I’ve never had a yeast infection, uti or anything of the sort, so this whole gross discharge thing is a pretty new stage in life for me. And scooping dry cottage cheese looking gel out of my vaj? Definitely not on my top 100 things I wanna do in life. Poor hubs-we both got quite a shock when we had sex the first day I was on Crinone. Thank goodness we were in the shower! Things got going well and then I saw his hand and went “ohmygod wash it off that’s gross”. Luckily we laughed it off and had our fun (showers come in handy in that situation, good thing we were in one!) and I just averted my eyes until all was rinsed away since I was disgusted. Oddly hubby couldn’t have cared less. What a saint. Well not really, but it was nice of him not to spew violently after we had our fun. Talk about a quick way to not get any, thank goodness one of us has some control over our reactions. (obviously I meant him…if you hadn’t guessed by my reaction above)
~vgp is still something I will gladly put up with. And oddly enough, I think I may be more ok with the gross cottage cheese than the gob of goo. Who’d have thought?
MM